I BELIEVE

STOP, DO NOT BACK OUT OF THIS BLOG UNTIL YOU GET WHAT I GOT FOR YOU!!!! I know you might not be used to country music, but I think you will understand if you look at the video. This video addresses alot of social issues, such as, race, faith, and relationships. Sometimes we have to get out of our comfort zone and step into someone else's shoes to fully grow as a person. We will meet alot of people in our lifetime, and you never know what impact that person will have on you. So, you better get the lesson, because you never know when there is going to be a TEST...

This video is off the chain to me, because I love how the young white boy befriends this older black man in a rural area. He is taught all about the bible and how to fix cars and fish and to just respect an older person and become a GENIUNE FRIEND. Who would have thunk it, that they would become so close that the man's death would effect him so much. So, right there you know that his family taught him to accept all kinds of people, no matter the color. I don't even think he saw the man's color as being any different from his. Racism really has no place in this society, we see it first hand everyday though. The Jena 6 case just breaks my heart and spirit, how in 2007 they can still be so closed-minded.

I was talking to my new sister Sha and we were talking about faith and belief in God. Sometimes we have to be reminded that no one has all the answers, but we have to just Believe things can get better, and they will. In our conversation we both discovered that by talking about what problems we had, we were able to see the BIG PICTURE and discover it wasn't so BAD AFTER ALL!!!! Having someone else tell you how they dealt with things and their struggles, will give you some insight into how things CAN BE. I want to say again, it is very important to bounce things off people, because they are not directly involved they can see the situation clearer sometimes...They are not coming into it with their emotions...Sometimes, emotions can cloud our visions. Step away from it, and assess it from the outside and alot of times you can come to a better understanding.

I know I have been accused of being a VERY OPTIMISTIC person, and to one in particular, that's seems POLLYANNA'ISH...But, I always see the glass half full, THAT'S JUST MY WAY...I am a REALISTIC person, but I still think no SITUATION IS UNWORKABLE... With that being said, I want to know what things you are believing God for right now...

Kix Brooks and Ronnie Dunn have certainly established themselves as a force in country music. And, according to the Great American Country website, the group has since sold 28 million albums and been named CMA Entertainer of the Year four times. They are one of the most consistent country music headliners today. They've also sponsored race cars, appeared on the front of Corn Flakes boxes and pioneered a torched up brand of honky tonk music that brought the bars into a much more aggressive sonic place.

The black lady with the hat in the video is my aunt's friend, I used to be around her alot when I was younger. She now does several commercials but, this is the first time I have seen her in a video. The video was taped in Nashville, so how fitting for me to showcase them today. This is where they make their home, of course.

SHE DONE BEEN

Why you keep doing this, Eugene? Huh, I'm tired of playing games with you, when are you coming clean? This is the conversation I have had with him every week, it seems, lately. I am sick of him, I am trying to stay with him for the kids sake. But, my patience is getting very thin. And, I know he has a jump off chick on Crenshaw, he swear I don't know about her. I was going over Auntie's house and saw him leaning up against my damn car, all up in her grill. WHAT THE PHUCK? He got me messed up, I'm just waiting on my raise next month and I'm OUT OF HERE, PIMPIN!!! I would love to stay here, but I don't really want him to know where I live.

See, he didn't start off like that, he was all good. But, I guess its part of my fault, because I married him when I was preggo's with our first baby. Listening to him, telling me he wasn't gone cheat no more after I caught him with his other BABY MAMA... I have forgiven him time after time, trying to be a good wife to him. But, of course, he is taking my kindness for weakness. That's what I get for taking the challenge of being with him and thinking I could walk away from that Monster he was packing...Not He was the FREAK OF THE CENTURY, NOW I KNEW I WASN'T GONE BE ABLE TO JUST WALK AWAY FROM THAT... Didn't look for the other qualities my Mama taught me...See, again, my fault...Letting my "little girl", THINK for me...WRONG ANSWER!!!! See, he got sexing on lock boy...Cuz, that's all his simple bringing to the table right now, because he is definitely living above his means. He a pretty good Daddy, sometimes...He will take the boys to the football field for practice for me when I have to work late. Now, don't get me wrong, he ain't paid for the opportunity for them to play or the uniforms. I even have to give him gas money to take them, NOW WHAT KINDA SHIT IS THAT?

I must have bumped my head hard, when he hit me in the bathroom. I fell on the side of the vanity, in the kids bathroom..See, that's what I'm talking bout, he has started hitting me when the kids are walking around. They haven't seen him yet, but they are going to eventually...He at least used to wait until they were asleep. I don't even have hope that he is going to stop laying his hands on me, anymore. He has promised that shit for the last 5 years. Every time I try to leave, I'm pregnant and hormones all out of wack. But, I love him and don't want to think about raising our kids alone. The kids love their Daddy, so I take all this mess he putting out. I didn't get married to get a divorce. I thought only uneducated women got abused, WRONG...But, he didn't start doing that until we got this big ass mortgage. I didn't want my credit messed up by just leaving, so I thought it would get better. I thought we were living the "American Dream", that our kids would have life better than we did growing up. But, he is just like his father, it seems. And, he has to be in complete control. So, since I make a six figure salary, he can't handle it and hits me.

But, its getting harder to hide the bruises from my family and co-workers. My administrator even called me into his office one day and asked me was anything he could do for me. You know I was too embarrassed to even look him in the face. So, I usually just deal with my clients and don't talk to the co-workers. But, thank God, it didn't keep me from making Partner at the firm. I am blessed that he went on my work ethic and not what I must be going through at home. But, once the judge, even asked to see me in her chambers to ask about my big bruised lip one day....Can you imagine how awful it is for me to have to go in court representing my clients looking all beat up? He used to only hit me where I could cover it up, but now he doesn't care. So, that further lets me know its time to GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION.

I mean, I did it right, I thought. Graduated second in my class from law school at Howard. I was on the fast track to greatness, or so that was the plan. Eugene was doing well too in his computer software company. But, he wants to be ALL FLY in the streets...So, he can't afford to be pushing a CL600 Coupe Mercedes, $3,000 suits and playing golf three times a week. That shit is not cheap, so I have to pay most of the bills at the house. Ain't that some shit, but that's okay, I'm out of here next month. I have to keep telling myself that, because that's the only thing keeping me sane right now. Cuz, if I think about my situation too long, I'm gone hurt that negro. That girl can have him, but I am selling this house we live in. She won't be laying up in MY HOUSE, NAW BABYGIRL...They must got me twisted, I know I haven't shown much spunk lately, but they won't enjoy this house. They will have to live in her section 8 with all them heathens she got ova there. Cuz, once I get my alimony and child support from him, it won't be much left for her and her kids. But, that's not my business, I have to worry about me and mine.

A little disclaimer right here for the noseys. I don't have a man, so no this is not a real story. It is totally fiction, I have never been smacked by a man in my life...

Felecia Trotter and a few other authors have put together an anthology that will help with domestic violence. Please support them in their efforts to combat this bad situation for alot of women and children in America.

Currently, listening to Gerald Levert's "She Done Been"

SAY YOU WANT TO COME HOME, HUH?

Okay, ya'll I got a dilemma. Now this mofo been showing his ass, and not giving ME the attention that I gotz to have. Now, I have given him time after time to get hisself together...And, yes I said, hisself cuz he GANGSTA. I tell Eugene I need more of his time, and I need him to handle my carnal needs. But, he always busy with something, just anything but what I need. Now you know I can't deal with that kinda mess, right? I am QUEEN BEE, I guess I need him to start reading my blogs. He thinks he is the KING, but the King is nothing without the Queen and vice versa. Putting me on hold, not having time to spend with me. What am I supposed to do with that? I don't feel SPECIAL PIMPIN!!!

So, I start talking on the phone with Johnathan. He always been around anywayz, he is my "dick in the glass case"...Don't act like ya'll didn't know. I just pull out his digits when I need a quick fix, when I wants to get my freak on and my MAN ACTING UP...And, don't think Johnathan don't know he being used. I give everybody the heads up so THEY can decide, you see what I'm saying? But, don't sleep on Johnathan now, he got it going on. He is an executive at his engineering firm, he makes a six figure salary. He lives in Belle Meade, which is as upscale as you can get in Nashville. He likes showing me off to his colleagues, I have a good time with him. He is packing some "KILLA" IN HIS PANTS AND A STRAIGHT FREAK...WHHHHEEEWWWW WWWEEEE, just had a moment right there....We travel all over the place, Jamaica, Paris, Italy and all the Caribbean Islands.

So, what's wrong with Johnathan, you ask, He is too damn CONTROLLING...He wants to keep a watchful on me at all times, DAYUM...And, he has put his hands on me once or twice when he was feeling insecure of my whereabouts . I can't be exclusive with Johnathan, but I can enjoy his ass. And, I do, on occasion. He can deal with me on the side, just not on an everyday bases. He still takes care of me financially, buys very expensive presents and everythang. He's very good to me, when I don't call myself in a relationship with him. As long as we Just FUCK Buddies, he alright.

Now, Eugene he is the kinda man I want to marry. He does well in his Computer Consulting Firm. He has been in the business for about 10 years and has quite a few high dollar clients. So, he is not slacking in the money department either. He used to be all over me and then started hanging out alot more with his boys and leaving me alone. He says he is working late and just doesn't have the time to spend with me. Aww, mkay!!!! I feel you, Playa, so I guess I betta find me something else to do too....So, I started hanging out with Johnathan, and Eugene tried to lose his damn mind. I didn't hide it either, and now he want to be all up in my grill like never before. Where did all this come from? I thought you was busy, so now you not? WHAT? He over here everyday trying to just swallow my ass up, I can't sleep cuz he got his face in my shit all night. Everytime I sit or lay down, his face in my shit, DDAAAMMMNNN, PIMPIN!!!! Begging and pleading for me to take him back...Let me cum up for air, I don't need to be sexed all day and night. Everywhere I turn he right there by my side. I guess I had to let him see what he was missing by not having me in his life. I missed him probably more than he missed me, but I couldn't show him that...

Now, you wouldn't know him anymore, his facial features even look different. He used to be all HARD AND CUTTHROAT...Now, he like putty in my hands. I'm not used to this from him, I mean he has never been this type of person with anybody his boys just shake their heads, they can't believe it...HE IS A STRAIGHT SIMP!!! Ya'll BETTA ASK SOMEBODY BOUT DIVA...I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO TAKE THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT DOWN, I'M JUST SAYING.... His Mama'nem been trying to hit me up and ask "what have I done to Her BABY BOY? Asking me did I voodoo or hoodoo him. Woman, if you don't get off my phone with that noise. I don't need to result in no witchcraft to get no man, NOT...

So, my question for you is, should I take this negro back? He over here on his one knee with flowers, a BIG ASS ROCK, and his whole damn family in tow...WHAT MUST I DO?

The painting is entitled, "My Queen, by Kolongi.

"I BELIEVE"

Have you ever had a plan and everything that could go wrong, did? I mean you took all the right steps, talked to all the right people. You got the degree and had good grades, made the Dean's List several times. Didn't party too hard and regularly visited the church of your choice. Tried not to intently hurt people, but your actions still weren't well received? Such is life, sometimes. Doing what's right doesn't always guarantee the best results. It's sad, but it's true. But, do you supposed to give up and give in? ABSOLUTELY NOT, you are supposed to dust off the seat of your pants and get up and try it again. Just like the little engine that could, give yourself hope and affirmations. "I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN, UNTIL YOU JUST KNOW YOU CAN"...That is paramount right there, whatever you think you are, YOU ARE. You have to BELIEVE that things can be better, and just don't take NO for an answer. If you don't think failure is an option, THEN IT'S NOT!!!!

Now, a person who has proved this over and over again is Fantasia Barrino. I LOVE ME SOME FANTASIA BARRINO. All my kids do too, when Idol 2004 was running, we would all sit together and critique the whole show...We especially couldn't wait for Fantasia's turn to sing. Just like in the video, when Fantasia won that night, we were crying harder than she was. We still have it on disc, and still watch it periodically. WE LOVE FANTASIA, FA REAL...When she first came out, she did a stop in Nashville, and you already know I was right there at the front of the stage holding her hand. Her brother, who is a big guy by the way, made her stop holding my hand and talk to the other people...I was scared of him so you know I didn't protest, at all...She is so real, and a wonder to meet in person. It was two little girls who were in town from High Point, who wanted to meet her and she was so sweet and took several pictures with them.

Here are a few tidbits about Fantasia, listed on IMDb website. She was born, Fantasia Monique Barrino, on June 30, 1984, in High Point, North Carolina. She has one daughter, Zion Quari Barrino, born on August 8, 2001. Fantasia was the 3rd Season American Idol Winner of 2004.

Fantasia's #1 hit song "I Believe" was co-written by another American Idol contestant, Tamyra Gray from Season 1, who also contributed background vocals to "I Believe".

On May 28, 2005 she made Billboard chart history when she became the first female artist to place three songs in the top five of the Adult R&B Chart and then the very next week she became the first artist to have two of the top three songs on that chart with "Truth Is" at #2 and "Free Yourself" at #3.

Just two months after its release, her debut album (Free Yourself) sold over one million copies and went platinum.

Her signature version of "Summertime" entered the Billboard Hot 100 at number one, the first female artist to do so with her first record.

Released autobiography and best selling book, "Life Is Not A Fairy Tale" in 2005.
Dropped out of high school after a sexual assault that left her feeling embarrassed and harassed.

The Fantasia Barrino Story: Life Is Not a Fairy Tale


In this Lifetime Original Movie, Director Debbie Allen gives viewers a first hand look at the struggles Fantasia faced before her rise to fame. The movie begins with Fantasia's humble beginnings, growing up in a close knit God-fearing family that faced its own personal demons of struggling with their dreams. Fantasia faces problems with her self esteem, sexual abuse, teen pregnancy and her faith as she fights to overcome her mistakes at a young age. This movie depicted from her best selling Biopic of the same name, provides an emotional heart warming example of what you can achieve when believing in yourself.

The movie premiered on Saturday, August 19, 2006 at 9:00 PM. It was Lifetime's second most watched movie in its twenty-two year history, with more than nineteen million viewers tuning in during the August 19-20 weekend to watch. The movie was ranked the number one basic cable movie premiere in 2006 among women aged 18-49. Weekend online traffic to Lifetimetv.com rose by more than seventy percent during that weekend. [2]
In 2007, the movie and its actors including Fantasia, Loretta Devine and Kadeem Hardison have been nominated for 4 NAACP Image Awards.

When the movie debuted my whole family got together, I cooked and we sat and watched Fantasia's debut on Lifetime. Fantasia is currently cast as Celie, in Oprah Winfrey's Broadway play, "The Color Purple." My plans are to go and take in the play and support her before her contract is up in January 2008.

Marinate on these lyrics, written by Tamyra Gray, but come to life with Fantasia's soulful voice. She sings with so much feeling, you know from her swagger that, "Life is not a Fairy Tale".

Have you ever reached a rainbow's end

And did you find your pot of gold

Ever catch a shooting star

And tell me how high did you soar

Ever felt like you were dreaming

Just to find that you're awake

And the magic that surrounds you

Can lift you up and guide you on your way

[Chorus:] I can see it in the stars across the sky

Dreamt a hundred thousand dreams before

Now I finally realize You see

I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive

And finally, I believe When you look out in the distance

You see it never was that far Ohhh No

Heaven knows your existance

And leads you to be everything you are Ohhh

There's a time for every soul to fly

It's in the eyes of every child

It's the hope, the love that saves the world

[I Believe Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com]

And, ohhh, we should never let it go [Chorus]

I believe in the impossible

If I reach deep within my heart

Overcome any obstacle

Won't let this dream fall apart

See I strive to be the very best

Shine my light for all to see

Cause anything is possible

When you believe yeah

[Chorus] Ohh Yeah Love keeps liftin me higher

Liftin me higher Love keeps liftin me higher

I said love keeps liften

Love keeps liften me

I said Love keeps liften

Love keeps liften me higher

Said love keeps liften me higher

I said love keeps liften me high

OPEN UP MY HEART

What's going on? This is going to be different from what you are used to from me, but if you really knew me away from crackspace you would know I loves me some Jesus...I curse and talk nasty, but Jesus already knows that about me also, so I don't try and hide it from you or him...I'm not saying that is cute behavior either, but it is what it is..I have been cursing more in the last few months than normal and I am working on that...But, I chose Yolanda Adam's "Open My Heart", as my song because I want to have a serious chat with you guys...

I will let you in on alittle something about me, I am down in the valley right now...I have been going thru some things lately and have read and seen some things on other people's blogs and thought this was a good opportunity to get some things off our chests. This will not be a Sunday go to meeting type of blog either, but my faith will show up.. Sometimes, in this life you will not have all the answers, hell you might not have any of the answers about anything...You might feel that no one feels you or gets what you are trying to say...It's like you are screaming and everybody is going on with their conversations and lives and don't see you standing in the street butt ass naked!!!!!!!!! Not a good place to be, EVER..But, we all have been there or as my Grandmama told me, "Keep Living", you will get there..I know I have told you guys about how spoiled I was growing up. Well, when I first discovered the world didn't revolve around me I was 22 years old. Aint that something, to have lived a sheltered life that long and still thinking shit happened because I needed it or wanted it, is really kinda pathetic when you think about it...But, such is life in my world.

Well, I am having a 22 year old moment right now. I had that moment in March 2006, and I am there again. Yolanda's singing helps soothes what ails me, when she is talking to me and not judging but trying to transition me to another level or perspective...See, that's what is paramount in this life, you have to talk things out with someone. We tend to bottle things up inside and not deal with them, NAW PIMPIN...That is really not healthy, and it is not proving anything to anybody...You can fool everybody on this earth, but there is ONE person you should never try to fool, and that is YOU!!! See people are kinda simple sometimes and take everything at face value so you can get away with a phasade with most. You can tell them you have this or that, send your representative out when you interact with them. Hell you might even live in that big ass house that you brag about...But, what is not being said is that you dont have much food in the frig to feed the little ones. You make arrangements on your utilities, or car payment. Go to church or visit with family or friends who you know is serving dinner on Sundays. If you cant get a good meal the rest of the week, you know somebody will feed you on Sunday. And, you dont have to let on that you are just over there because you are starving...Now, don't be thinking I dont have any food, cuz I just left WalMart Super Store and Kroger's to get my weekly groceries. I am cooking dinner for my kids tomorrow, and I appreciate your concern and if it would make you feel better; I will send you my information for your DONATION!!!.

BUT, a few times when my kids were small and I had to purchase school clothes and supplies, or Christmas, I have called my Aunt Joyce, who lives in Houston now, and say "we dont have any food, what are you cooking?" I would not only get a throw down meal cooked with much love, but my Uncle Walter would fill up my car and buy pampers for the baby if that's what I needed...See, thats what I'm talking about...Didn't have to say that was what I needed, they are just those kinda people...So, I try to take my example from them, and if I see a need and I have a resource to do something about it, I'M THERE...Cuz, I know I have been blessed, OVER AND OVER AGAIN...And, when you have been blessed, you NEED TO BE A BLESSING!!! And, blessing people doesn't always come with money or things, it might be a shoulder to lean on or a kind word, written or spoken...Sometimes, when you are not used to that or you know you are the type of person who doesnt really give anything to anybody...You tend to not trust someone who is like that, you think they must really want something from me...Not, necessarily, it just might be how they are...

I am going through this right now, I guess when you are "once bitten, you will be twice shy"...But, you have to get to a point in your development that you have to take things just as it is presented...Everybody is not out to get you, PIMPIN...Everybody doesn't have a hidden agenda, don't treat me bad because someone else showed their true colors and you saw the party was not like the picnic...That has nothing to do with me, not better, just DIFFERENT...Everybody has a past, and maybe that person was used to people letting them down and not making good on promises.

But, like my Bishop says, you cannot have a TESTIMONY WITHOUT FIRST HAVING A TEST!!! You have to go through the VALLEY to get to the MOUNTAIN TOP...Keep the faith in yourself, you are someone of VALUE...Don't ever let someone tell you that you are someone that you are NOT...Because you are what you think you are, "I give myself permission to be WONDERFUL, HAPPY AND PROSPEROUS ". And, if anyone has a problem with that, so be it...This is my little red wagon, let me pull it...So, whatever you need to do and whatever steps you need to take to become the person you were meant to be...You need to be about that business, its not going to easy, but it can be done...

You have to put yourself around positive people,someone that is going somewhere...I dont sit around with people talking the MAN, is keeping me from becoming this or that...Keep it Moving, Playa, Diva has left the building...The man might have stopped this, but go another route, he might not have locked that door yet...You have to first believe in you, and your abilities...Do a self assessment and find your nitch and strengths...You just might be surprised, call or go see that one person who was always optimistic and have a meeting of the minds...Be honest with that person, because I know with me, if someone ask for my help and give me half the story, I shut down...If we are talking and you need my help, I need to know what I am dealing with in order to be affective...The one thing you think is unimportant, might be the very thing I need to know to help YOUR SIMPLE SELF!!!!

"When you are DOWN TO NOTHING, God is most definitely, UP TO SOMETHING". And, after you have exhausted all you obtions, have a little talk with Jesus...He is your BESTEST FRIEND...If you dont know how to pray that is fine too, sometimes when we are down in the valley, the only thing we can get thru the tears is, JESUS!!!!! He already knows the problem, he made you silly...He was just waiting on you to seek his face, waiting on you to talk to him...So, like Yolanda says, "OPEN YOUR HEART".

EVERYBODY NEEDS ALITTLE "GET RIGHT"

WWWHHEWW, I like it when Johnathan sucks Ms. Kitty..DAYYUUUM this boy got my number, jack...Just a straight FREAK, just like I like my men. If you can't bring the funk, stay at home...Cuz, I gets down for mine and NEEDZ you to do the same, you hear me? By now he has flipped me over with his big azz guns and I'm on my knees, he starts playing with my little girl with his first two fingers. I don't usually like when someone puts his fingers in me but, this workout he got going on is on FFFIIIYYYYAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!! I have already had 4 orgasms and he hasn't even put that monster in yet, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT THURR, YES SIR!!!

See, what is paramount here is that he is taking his time to ensure my pleasure..In me getting my pleasure he is most definitely gone get HIS, PEEP GAME!!! Fellas take care of your woman, quit spreading yourself around like Johnny Appleseed. I know you say variety is the spice of life, but the right woman will be all those women you looking for in one package. Especially, somebody like me, I believe in taking care of MY MAN...OPERATIVE WORD HERE, MY MAN. Not everybody's man, he gets no love from ME!!! I require ALOT OF ATTENTION, and I aint afraid to tell you UPFRONT...I'm not going to sit around and wait for MY TURN, WHAT? ....I DON'T THINK SO, PLAYA... I don't send a representative, I let you know so that you can make an intelligent decision about your life. In turn, I want the courtesy to do the same. I don't want you to do what you think I want, and then you revert back to how YOU REALLY ARE..NOT!!! KEEP IT MOVING, PIMPIN!!!! I would rather have an audience of ONE, then to be manipulated and used by YOU... I'm just sayin, and trying to be REAL about Mines...

And, like bestselling author, Kerry E. Wagner, says, "Don't worry about what a man is SAYING, you better know what he is THINKING"...That's it, cuz what he thinking in his mind is what he gone DO...If, you haven't already coped his novel, "She Did That", I suggest you do. Great player tips for men and women, a great read...I couldn't put it down, and emailed that mofo as soon as I finished. Check him out on myspace, his blogs are the bomb!!!

But, back to Johnathan, he moves his fingers and puts his tongue where his hand was, where my honey is just dripping like running water..HUUMMM, I then scream to Johnathan that I need him to "PUT IT IN, NOW"....I CAN'T WAIT, BABY!!!! That's all he needed to hear, that boy got on the side of the bed and turned my ass around and fucked the shit out of ME...He was like, "I knew what was wrong wit you BABY, you needed some "Get Right"... "You gone have to wait sometimes, with yo spoiled ass!!!! WWHHEEWW WWEE!!! And, you know, I was like, YYYYEEESSSSS DADDY.... Johnathan swear, he aint running nothing...I JUST LET HIM THINK HE IS!!!!

THIS IS FOR YOU!!

I woke up with this on my mind so I decided to write this down while I had this energy flowing through me. When I was about 21 years old with one daughter my girlfriend had one of the sweetest little princess' I had ever seen. Candice was her name and she was such a joy to be around and I was around her quite often. I got a phone call one day from her Mom, that Candice had been in an accident. Her older brother had run the bath for his two younger siblings and he placed Candice's one year old body in the water and she was scald on 3/4 of her little body. Her skin was just falling off in the tub, and she was in excruciating pain and was rushed to emergency.

Well, at the time my little engine that WOULD NOT was on the brinks..I was riding the bus to take my daughter to school and I would have to get off of one bus, walk down the hill to her school; and then walk back up the hill to catch the number 20 Jefferson Street bus that went to my school, Tennessee State University...Needless to say, I would have to repeat that same scenario in the evenings when I picked my child up from school...Well, I said all that to say that I was having a pretty rough time of it to say the least...It took me, at that time about $25.00 a week to go to school, and the part to my car was $96.00...I know pretty pathetic, but that's just how it was for a while...

But, this one particular day I was using my Mom's car to do my running around. So, you know the first thing I wanted to do was go see my baby Candice before I was to pick Mom up from work..I used to talk with Zula, her Mom all the time in the NICU Burn Center @ Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. The home phone had been disconnected while she was spending all of her time at the hospital. I had been calling the hospital for about two days and I couldn't get an answer, so I just popped up at her home unannounced. Well, low and behold her boyfriend was sitting on the couch and they were looking at pictures. It was very unusual because he was never at home in the day time because he went to work...I was there just running my mouth as usual and just happy I was finally able to see my little pumpkin after not having a vehicle for about a month; and I asked where was my baby Candice. Everybody got really quiet, I didn't pay that any mind. I then noticed that Zula, who I had known for about 16 years had on a dress for the first time. Again, I didn't pay that any mind...She finally looked up at me and said they had buried Candice earlier that day before I got there.. SHOCKED was nothing compared to what I felt sitting there in that chair in her living room with my mouth hanging open. My baby was dead and no one called and told me, Zula's had been so distraught from the passing. She had forgotten to call and inform my that Candice had gotten pneumonia and died earlier that week.

So, you know I did not know what to do with myself. I loved that little girl and all I wanted to do that day was to hold her, and let her know that I had missed her and was happy she was better. That was a definite turning point in my life, and one I hope never happens again. I vowed that day, that I would NEVER need to say or do something and hold it in. Whether it is something nice or not, you are getting what I have for you, PERIOD. Which, brings me to this writing you are reading today. I met this wonderful woman on myspace a couple of months ago and I don't know how I found her page, but I started going there every day. I was blessed everyday and was so excited that the other participants in some other blogs I frequented were not there. I was able to unwind and just let God have his way with me. I got wonderful words of wisdom to live by and it definitely helped my prayer life and keeping things in perspective.

Let me tell you guys something, I wrote a blog recently about being the Other Woman, and I put out a bulletin that said something to the effect of "The Sideline Ho needs your help" Well, Sister Jackie, that's what I call her, sent me an email and said my page had been hacked...Well, needless to say I rushed and changed my password but asked her why did she think my page had been hacked? She said, she had not understood my message. Which means she didn't think I talked like that, so I was always trepidatious of posting erotic writings and I NEVER wanted her to go into my blogs. Not that I am ashamed of what I say, I just have the upmost respect for this lady. Believe or not, my Mom doesn't know how I curse and say certain things. You can tell her, but she probably wont believe you because I never let her hear or see me act a real fool. I'm her only girl and I didn't want to disrespect her, and curse in front of her. Not being fake, just showing respect. Well, thats how I feel about Sister Jackie. Jackie has never made me feel bad about the things I write about but, I still didn't want to disappoint her in anyway because I respect her tremendously.

So, Sister Jackie I am telling this story about my life to let you know that I appreciate everything that you do for me. I really appreciated you sending me that email about my upcoming surgery when you felt that I was being anxious about it. And, you again let me know that God had me and the situation. I wanted to take this time to give you flowers via the web, because of how you have blessed me. I woke up with this conviction and in keeping with my past; I am telling you today and not waiting. You have been a blessing to me in more ways than you know, and I want you to know that I appreciate YOU!!!!

I'M OUT

Why is that all relationships start off all good and shit? I mean men you bring your A game and all attentive and stuff. Don't have to look for you, you just johnny on the spot. Get kinda tired of seeing you erryday...I got thangs I need to do away from you, Pimpin...Get off my jock, I don't have to tell you my every move. It's kinda flattering though, dont get me wrong. But, then when you get my honey you kinda slow up alittle taste...HUUUMMMMM, whats that all about? So, was it just about, conquering the coochie, WWHHHATTTT? I told you I was not in this for a minute, I'm a long term type of woman...And, I wait at least a year between relationships, so I don't have time to have you just for 2 or three months and you gone...

After I tell you my displeasure with the way you handling this, you tell me you want to hang with your boys sometimes...Huh? I want to be with other people too, but I would rather be with you, dumb ass. You made me need you, and now you want to get all ghost on me sometimes. Okay, I'm out playa...Get you somebody else to wait for you to call them back, or have to always think of places to go and you show up half the time. So, I guess you back to how you used to be with all your exes...You loosing steam with the relationship, and I'm beginning to think that is your pattern. You don't know how to maintain long term relationships, you are more comfortable being the SIDE PIECE. The man who is always the other man, not the one that the woman can depend on, be counted on to help with the bills, take around family and introduce to the kids. You might move in with someone, but its only temporary until you get enuff money to get on your feet OR THE NEXT STOOOPID HEIFER THAT WILL PUT UP WITH YOU...THAT'S NOT CUTE!!!

But, as soon as I get my self together and don't care if I hear from you or not, HERE YOU COME AGAIN. I start going out with my friends or maybe even get a phone friend, here you come trying to be in my life again, NOT!!! I mean you on your stick now, jack..Emails erryday, making up reasons to call me, trying to be helpful so you have a reason to come by...What's really going on? Ya'll I'm talking about say he coming over to look at my car and I end up with his face all up in my ass and Ms. Kitty just trying to suck all my juices out of me...DAYUUMMM, WHHEEEWWWW WWWEEEE, HE ALWAYS DID HAVE THAT ON LOCK...I won't let him penetrate me because that's where the party started not being like the picnic the first time...PEEP GAME, that's a PIMP MOVE...AND, I AINT SUCKING NOTHING PLAYA...You are not worthy, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER...

You all over me thinking that's gone get you back in, but you still on punishment...You got to put in some work to get me back... I don't be offering up Ms. Kitty, you GOTZ TO KNOW HOW TO GET HER...And, its on fiyah and tight as a ten year old, so dont play, ITS WORTH IT!!!

So my peeps I have a question, do you give people second chances to make things work. Or, do you quit and vacate? I mean can you really trust someone to do right when they have done bad in the past...Do you hold their past against them, or do you think if they lost you and took the steps to get you back that they would be up for the challenge OF KEEPING YOU IN THEIR LIFE?

GURL, YOU ARE NOT A BOY!!!

What's going on Pimpin? I was talking to my girl, Nancia last night and she told me I was nothing but DRAMA..I told her I really was another word, SPOILED!!!! So, I decided to tell you guys about how bad and spoiled I was as a child growing up and alittle sumtin sumtin about my childhood. SHUT UP, it's MYSPACE SO I CAN DO THAT....PAY ATTENTION!!!!

As some of you know I was the only girl with three brothers, two were older and one younger. I was the third child, if you know anything about the order of kids, you will know that the third child is ALWAYS alittle different. They usually as a whole, go to the beat of their own drummer, OFF TOP. So, to compound that with being the only girl, well you get my drift. So, everything was pretty cool at first because well I was just bad as hell and SPOILED!!!! I mean rotten, rotten to the point that my aunts would want to keep me so they could sneak alittle whooping in there, erry now and again...See what I'm talking bout....No body wanted to comb my hair, because that shit was THICK AS HELL...And, when I started getting my hair pressed, my hair holds heat so they would burn their fingers so they fussed the whole time...But, that's another blog topic..

When I got about 3 years old, I got my own room. My Mom had it fixed up all puuurrrtty and errrythang, with all my girl junk...Books for days, dolls and clothes for the dolls and costume jewelry...See, I was alittle PRINCESS, NOW I'M A QUEEN SO DON'T THINK ANYTHING HAS CHANGED...i'M JUST SAYIN..I was the epitome of a girl, playing dolls and dress up with my friends. My Mom had a very dear friend who has since passed away and she RREEEEAAAALLLLY spoiled me...So, since she had a son, that to this day is still best friends to my second eldest brother, she would have girls night at her house and send her son, Lewayne to my house. She had all the sweets, chips and toys for girls. And, what I most remember about Ms. Mary, was she always bought me paper dolls...I LOVE PAPER DOLLS, I BUY THEM FOR MY GRAND, MACKENZIE SO I CAN STILL PLAY WITH THEM....But, she really loves to do the Barbie thing on the net...But, me I want to actually feel the dolls and play with them...We, would have jacks tournaments on my block...So, since I didn't have anybody to play with, I would practice for hours in my room by myself...YEAH, YOU ALREADY KNOW...I was the champion most of the time, only cause I didn't have too much else to do besides read and play with my dolls.

Needless to say, as I got about 11 or 12, I was tired of playing by myself and decided I was going to "BE A BOY". So, I watched sports, played with the little Power Wheels and the race track. The the loud ass football game that the boys got for Christmas... That thing was just too loud and they were loud, so you know...My brothers always wanted to play "FROG", AND they would tear my arms up...My arms would be so REEEDDDD, and I would cry...They were mean as hell, so they would call me a SISSY and make me get out of their room. You already know I told on that ass, so they would get a whooping...My Mom would say, ya'll know she is a GURL...I would be like, see that's the problem right there...So, I turned into a BOY... .WHAT????

I would stand up and use the bathroom, cuz that's what the boys did right? One day the bathroom door was ajar and I was standing there trying to use the bathroom standing up and my Mom came down the hall and caught me... She was like "GIRL WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING? " Mind you, piss in going all down my legs...I know, I was a trip...She was like GURL YOU ARE NOT A BOY..

See, that again, so I decided I was going to play football like the boys...I'm talking about shoulder pads, cleats, jersey and the whole nine yards. So, my mom was like, "one day you gone realize you are a GURL"...So, I would go in the field by our house and play football with the little boys and climb really huge trees... I wanted to play tackle football, because two hand touch was for sissies...Everything would be going fine until one of them tackled me too hard and I went home crying..You already know my brothers would go and find them and say if they wanted to play football with me that they had to play two hand touch...NOT!!!! As, soon as my brothers would leave, you already know I would tell them that I was not playing two hand touch...I only wanted to play tackle football...But, Barry, God rest his soul, would be like "Abernathy, said not to tackle you"...But, hot ass, I was like, nobody aint listening to him so lets play tackle...I could always get them to do what I said, see again, wrong answer...They should have stood up to me, because they would get a beat down as soon as I went across the street crying...They were dumb and kept letting me run them, but I was a good football player so errybody wanted me on they team...Until I cried of course, so I mostly learned how to run real fast, as to not get caught and tackled too much...

Well, my Momma used to always tell me when I came in the house with all that gear on, "ONE DAY YOU ARE GOING TO REALIZE YOU ARE A GURL"...I hated when she said that, because I was a boy now...I was a simple child sometimes...YOU CAN SAY IT, I ALREADY KNOW!!! Needless to say, one day I was over there in that field and tackling and getting tackled with those shoulder pads on and someone knocked me down and my chest started hurting like I was going to DIE, FA REAL...I ran home crying to my momma, and she took my shoulders pads off and saw I was getting bumps...My little ladies were starting to grow and the shoulders pad were pushing them in...So, when that simple mofo tackled me the shoulders pads, plus the impact hurt my little budding ladies...OOOOOOHHHHHH, that hurt so badly...

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT MY MOMMA SAID, "I TOLD YOU, YOU WERE A GURL!!!!!!!!!!

The painting is entitled, "Big Brother", by Brenda Joysmith

DON'T KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU TRY IT

I don't know how I let Corey talk me into this? I have never been the type of woman who would be with two men before, but I am kinda getting alittle excited about our trip to Gatlinburg, TN. The cabins there are so nice and the one we are renting has 5 bedrooms and two kitchens. We won't be needing all that because we will be taking all our meals together and sleeping in the same bed. But, its just nice to know you can select a different room for every night. The guys are talking in the front seat about the Super Bowl, and I am trying to write this brief for my client that has to be filed by Monday. So, needless to say I am in my own world back here and trying not to think about what I am about to embark on with these two men.

After we had secured some food to stock up the fridge we head up the steep mountain to our cabin. It is absolutely beautiful and well landscaped. This owner really has invested alot of money in their home, and I am more than ever happy with my chose of cabins. No sooner than I get in the cabin than I tell the guys that I am going to take a shower. The water is good and hot and I have packed all my smell goods to make my body feel all silky. I am humming a slow Isley Brothers cut, "Sensuality 1&2", that is my jam right there. While bending over washing my legs I feel some air run across my back, and I look around and Corey is standing behind me with a grin on his face. "Can I join you, baby?" I don't answer him but, he gets in anyway. He grabs my body wash and starts washing my back and sliding his hands down to my ass. I act like I don't feel what he is doing and continue washing my body and singing to myself. Corey doesn't care he is now grabbing my breast and turns me around so he can but them in his mouth...I really like this boy but, he is more of a freak than I am which is why he wants to share me with Brandon. Corey sucks my breast and my honey is flowing like this water we are standing in, WHHHHHHEEEEEWWWWWWW WWWWEEEEEE, he is extremely good at what he does...OOOOHHHHH COOOORRREEEEEYYYYY, hummmmmm...I then ask him what he is doing, and his reply is "trying to make you feel good." He then drops down and puts my leg over his shoulder and starts sucking on my honey spot, DAYUMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that's what I'm talking about slice, Corey knows the key to the honey is in the tongue...

I am feeling so good right now and Corey stands up and offers me his hand, I take it and follow him into the master bedroom. I see that Brandon is already lying back on a pillow and waiting for the Mistress of the hour. He doesn't make a sound and neither does he move towards me. Corey lays on the bed and I lean over him and give him a sloppy kiss on his beautiful lips and then travel down his belly to his Monster...I then start with slow licks on the shaft to the balls, he likes it when I do that...I then take the whole thing in my mouth and start sucking it like a Watermelon Jolly Rancher...That will get that nut out of him, I enjoy doing it so I know he likes it as well...I feel a hand touch me on my ass and I know Brandon is ready to join us. Brandon starts sucking Ms. Kitty and he like Corey, seems to be very good at what he does. I then straddle Corey and he starts man handling my ladies and pulling me to him. Brandon gets out of the bed and I put all my concentration on Corey and riding him. I feel something warm and wet go down my ass and I know Brandon has made it back to the bed. After, oiling my ass real good, I feel Brandon's shaft enter me from behind...Hummmm, I don't know if I am ready for this but I agreed that I would go thru with it, so I don't protest or cry. It hurt like hell, but Brandon was patient with me so it was okay. We got into a well orchestrated rhythm and in no time everybody was climaxing. They then changed positions and Corey was sexing me in the ass and Brandon was eating my kitty. We laid in the bed afterwards and talked and listened to music for a couple of hours...Somebody was pulling on me all night and we were all very spent, and fell asleep without eating dinner.

We had sex all weekend, sometimes I would be alone with one and the other would get alittle jealous and have to join in. We tried all kinds of positions and they had a pussy eating contest, and you know who was the test dummy. I must say I had a great weekend, Corey and Brandon both treated me like a Queen and did all the cooking and cleaning. I never thought I would like being with two men but, it was really an eye opener for me. I had the best of both worlds because they were different but both were hell bent on pleasing me. I don't know what's going to happen from here with me and Corey, but I do know I would be game to have them both again in the near future.


I was supposed to be in a contest last week and never wrote my entry, so here it is, I hope you enjoyed.Copyright 2007 Taylor Paige. All rights reserved.

SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN TO SAY?

I know I need got to quit all this crying, but I can’t seem to stop the flow of tears running down my face. I have Heather Headley’s, “What’s Not Being Said” piping out of the speakers on repeat and I am TORE UP. Not torn up, but TOE UP!!!! Okay, this is my dilemma, I was IN LOVE, SPRUNG, WHOOPED, COULDN’T SEE STRAIGHT, AND JUST TORE OUT THE FRAME, YES all that…This man was like Morris Chestnut, Tyrese and Shemar Moore all wrapped in one…WHHHEEEEWWWWWWWW WWWEEEE, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT JACK…

That’s enough to tear your nerves up, for real though. It didn’t start off like that though; I didn’t pay him much attention. He would do things to try and get my attention, always showing up at places where he knew I would be. My girlz would call me and say “Ya Boy Been Looking for You”, I would be like WHO? They were always like; “you know who, quit playin”…It got so bad that we called him “THE STALKER”. Don’t get me wrong, he didn’t frighten me or anything he just wasn’t my type. I thought because of his physical appearance that he wouldn’t be a good catch for me. I don’t like those guys who a lot of women would pay for, cuz you got the wrong one here pimpin. I have never met one I would pay for, NOT!!!!

I am the prize, not you, PEEP GAME! I’m just tryin to help you out, now don’t get me wrong I pamper MY MAN…He is never going to want for anything, mentally, spiritually, emotionally and most definitely not SEXUALLY…Which is why it is very important that he understands what he has in ME, do you feel me now? I think a big part of this what I’m saying comes from having one relationship and putting your time and energy cultivating that and you will have the ultimate relationship. I will laugh at my man's corny jokes, make sure he looks nice before he leaves out of the house, stay abreast to what’s going on to ensure mental stimulation, make sure all bills are paid, never be missing, cook for him everyday, keep the house clean, never argue and LOVE HIM HOW AND HOW MUCH HE WANTS, ALWAYS!!!! So, fellas when you have that kind of woman, RECOGNIZE. She is rare, and she does not have to pay for you….You should be happy to provide for her, it’s a trade off. Each one recognizing what they have, PRICELESS….Trust me your friends will be checking it out as well, and wanting to get in where they fit in…

So, when I finally gave my man a chance and went out with him, we ended up having a wonderful relationship for a long time. But, he let other people in our relationship and into our business and things got out of hand. He always told me he loved me, but when things got a little rough he couldn’t handle it. So, of course we broke up and I am sitting here listening to Heather Headley trying to make sense of it all. I see alot of females who are seriously looking for a man, and they seem to go from man to man just to not be alone. I was talking to this guy about that and decided to do a blog about dating. I want to say to the men when you tell somebody that you "LOVE THEM”, your feet better be doing what your mouth say. By that I mean, don’t tell me you love me and let your feet be cheating on me, disrespecting me and the relationship, not going to work and not paying bills, lose sight of your goals or just don’t have any, let your MAMA or your friends talk you against me, that’s not playa pimpin…Have you ever thought that these people had a hidden agenda? If you tell me God sent me to you, then you need to have tunnel vision when it comes to me. That is paramount for me, because it is NOTHING THAT ANYBODY IN THIS WORLD COULD TELL ME THAT WOULD MAKE ME DOUBT YOU… If I have given you my heart, which is not easy to get by the way, I expect you to bring whatever issues or concerns you have to me. Not seeking counsel with everybody, but ME…That’s not playing fair, and its not like you don’t know, cuz if you spending time with me I’m going to let you know…

I am sitting here marinating on Heather’s words, she sings like she has experienced this, which is very important for me. I hear so much feeling in her voice, I don’t anything about her personal life, but I know she is around the right people to give such a great product. I am a fan FOR LIFE, she speaks directly to me. The song, “In My Mind”, is really my jam…But, “What’s not Being Said”, is creeping up. I could really relate to the whole album, but these two songs really hit me where I am in my life. I don’t have any regrets or bitterness, but just love how she helps me process things about my life experiences. I spend a lot of time by myself, to learn more about myself. I think it is very important to know who you are as a person. I feel that Self dating is important, if no one pampers you, SO WHAT, pamper YOURSELF…Ladies you don’t always need a man, you will find out a lot about yourself when no one else is in your head.

So, when someone leaves you, don’t spend time blaming yourself. They might have only been there for a reason or a season, but you need to know about yourself to understand if he is meant to be there for a ‘LIFETIME”. Stop making reason men, lifetime men, by getting in a marriage that you or he don’t need. The divorce rate is steadily rising because people married season mates. Divine Order dictates, One Whole Person Uniting with One Whole Person, becoming ONE WHOLE PERSON!!!! Do you see how that works? You are not supposed to be like the “Bag Lady”, and take your entire luggage to the next relationship. Spend time with YOU, BECOME YOUR OWN BESTEST FRIEND. You need to decide if you really like yourself, like your value system, like how you take care of your finances, your work ethic and how you treat people. Once all these things are in order, THEN AND ONLY THEN should you unite with another individual in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. Work on your insecurities and issues before you make them someone else’s insecurities and issues. No one is perfect, but you know you should get that bitterness, low self-esteem, anger and controlling mess together before you mess up another life with those problems. No one can help you with these issues you have to acquire that with a lot of prayer and sublication. One of the biggest problems I have witnessed from people, is that they look into someone else’s face when they need to look at the man in the mirror. You will find all your answers there, start with YOU, FIRST!!!!

Most people want someone to love and to be loved. It is very important to your psyche and to your heart to feel secure and wanted. It just gives you a song in your heart and an infectious smile on your face. And, if you have found that lifetime mate, let us know how you keep that thang alive and kicking. In a most profound time of easy divorces and breakups, what is your secret?…And, for those of us not committed, lets talk about what steps we are going to take to get OURSELVES together…

Copyright © 2007 Taylor Paige. All Rights Reserved. You do not have permission to reproduce, copy, post in either whole or context part of these written materials without the written consent of the copyright owner.

BOO, SORRY I'M LATE

My Boo looks so sweet when he sleeps. I like how he has his hand down in his boxers, I know he better be thinking about me while he's doing that....I'm going to get alittle jealous if he's not, I just watch him for alittle while and think its about time I relieve the hand that he has rested on his leg...It's 7:30 and I know I promised him I would get home as soon as possible, but I didn't plan on that being 2 hours after I talked to him...So, I guess he fell asleep waiting on me. That's okay I will make it up to him, I go and get in the shower to wash the day's grime off my body.

This hot water is feeling very nice on my back, I have had a very rough day today. Everyone of my clients seemed to need something from me, I am totally exhausted from thinking about everybody...Now I getting ready to go and think only about me and my baby. I get out of the shower and check on him to ensure that he is still asleep, I then tiptoe into the kitchen and make us a cheese and fruit tray. I light several scented candles around the house and head into the bedroom with snack tray and Hennessey in tow. I put on alittle Ginuwine's "When We Make Love" on a mix with that on repeat about 10 times...Ginuwine knows he knows how to set a stage for love, that's what I'm talking about right there!!!!!

I go to the foot of the bed and start suckin my man's toes, I know that will wake him and his Johnson STRAIGHT UP!!!! I suck each toe individually, and start traveling up his legs until I get to the PRIZE...I like that alot, it is just the right size for me...10 1/2 inches long and fat as hell too, yeaaaahhhh...Don't get jealous, as long as you know how to work yours its all good...But, this is my man right now, so this is what I'm working with at the moment...I think he is definitely a KEEPER...Shawn wakes up and grabs my head and pulls me to him, and then starts sucking on my bottom lip....WWWWHHHHHEEEEEWWWWWWW, I miss you baby, what took you so long, is the first thing he says to me....I assure him we will discuss it later, cuz right now Ms. Kitty needs his undivided attention!!!!!!That was all the encouragment he needed from me, he grabbed my ladies and went to town... I insert his monster and have to kinda back up off the dick because it always gives me a shock at first...See, that's what I'm talking about, he knows how to get and keep my attention...Shawn then starts singing along with my boy Ginuwine in my ear while he is kissing and sucking on my neck and making his way back up to my anticipating lips...Every part of me gets jealous when he leaves an area and explores somewhere else...WOW, that boy knows he has my number jack. He knows just the right buttons to get me to my CCCCCLLLLLLIIIIIMMMMMMAAAAXXXXX, AAAGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, SHAWN, I barely get out when he flips my ass over without coming out of me and hits that G-Spot just right....

He still singing with Ginuwine and ask me "do I feel it", and of course I scream with the girl, YYYEEEESSSS...Shawn then ask me do I enjoy the beating he putting on me, know you know I barely can get that shit out when he leaves me and sucks on my honey spot....That's how he got me all googly eyes now, that tongue aint nothing to play with....I'm telling you, I lose all sense of time and place when he taste my honey...HE IS WHAT YOU CALL A MASTER OF THE CLIT, CAN WE SAY I AM STRAIGHT SPRUNG!!!! He gone have me singing Ginuwine all day tomorrow at work and playing it in my Ipod all day on repeat...Don't play, everybody in the office already know when I come in all happy and singing, the shit WENT DOWN OVA SHAWN & DIVA'S ON A REAL TIP.....DON'T HATE, JUST CONGRATULATE!!!!

YOU TOO ARE A "HERO"

In between jobs, looking for a job, check late cuz big brother don't care he didn't turn in timesheets, bills due and some are even late. You might not have it that bad, but you have more month than you have money. Your car is acting up sometimes and you just paid tuition for your kids to go to that school you been shooting for, and all your money is tied up with that. Child Support didn't come or its just late, you call your Ex-Husband, Baby Daddy, Sperm Donor or whatever name he is this week...Okay, we can go positive, you finished college and got that degree with a breeze. You even graduated and got your master's, wow you have made it. You landed that job you have dreamed of since you were a youngster, but you keep getting passed over by your colleagues for the BIG POSITION...You might even get fed up and go out on your own and start that business in your field...You have really made it, or have you?

Your business is struggling and you have household bills that need to be paid too. You feel like you want to give up and call your old boss and shoot the breeze and hope in the conversation he ask you to come back to work because they really need you...That will give you a way out and you don't have to look like you gave up, I mean he asked me and offered me alot of money so I took it....What's chicken about that?

You are in an abusive relationship, let's break it down, your man disrespects you all the time. He screams at you about the smallest things, and you don't feel appreciated AT ALL...Or, you might be in a relationship where you can't get any help financially from your mate...I mean everytime you broach the subject, they get all brand new on your ass like they don't know what you are talking about...You keep putting your money in but they don't...You thinking we have a common goal but I'm the only one making this shit happen...Whether you want to believe it or not, that is abusive...Your mate is always bringing up females or males that they see on the television and asking you why you are not more like them...I mean your man always watching videos and commenting on somebody's booty and how you used to look like that in college...And breaking out with baby, why you don't lose a few...WHAT? YOU THINKING I KNOW THIS MOFO GOT ME MESSED UP!!!!!!!!!Or fellas your woman always comparing you to Morris Chestnut or L.L., that's not cute ladies...That's abusive, don't make anyone feel bad about themselves because they are not like someone else...You don't know those people's struggles, what you see on t.v. ain't all its cracked up to be sometimes...Just because you see a couple in public and they seem all happy and he seems so attentive, doesn't mean that's how they really are when no one is looking...ARE YOU THE SAME PERSON WHEN NO ONE IS LOOKING? Let me give you alittle game right here, "THE PARTY AIN'T ALWAYS LIKE THE PICNIC"...What you see, ain't always what you get...PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!

And, last but not least, are you in a PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE relationship...You try to play it off, and tell yourself he will never do it again...He apologized and gave you roses and took you out to eat or maybe even on a mini vacation...He was good for a minute, but Jerome asked alittle too many questions at Nathan's cookout and he accussed you of cheating and went up side your head again...Your man has a CONTROL PROBLEM BABY GIRL, it is very hard to change from that...I have seen it happen, but the chances are few and far between...

I can't look into a crystal ball and tell you how to overcome this but I can tell you that you might be accepting this ongoing abuse for a variety of reasons and even though I don't know your situation I do know that for your sake and the sake of your kids you need to get out...You might feel that he will kill you if you leave, you might not can financially afford to make that step...Your self-esteem might be at an all-time low and you believe him when he tells you that no one else will want you with those kids...NOT, don't believe him...That's just part of the control factor, as low as he keeps you in fear than he is IN CONTROL...

I said all this to say, whatever you are going thru in this life you are still a "HERO"...No money, little money, no education, little education, want to give up, can't afford to give up; WHATEVER IT IS, You make the choice to accept this or do something about it...LET ME REPEAT THIS, YOU MAKE THE CHOICE...It is a saying in the Jewish community and it is this, "He With the Most Gold Wins"...What that means is he with the most "CHOICES" WINS...Don't let anyone take your choices from you, don't let a "HE-SAID" TELL YOU WHAT YOU CAN AND CANNOT DO...One of my mentors, Les Brown, said it best; "A He-Said is someone who is always telling you something negative...He Said I wasn't good enough, He Said I wasn't pretty enough, He Said I wasn't smart enough or Rich enough....You tell that He Said to kiss your ACKABAKKA ,YOUR SODA CRACKIN AND TO KISS YOUR ASS!!!! He ain't running NOTHING, YOU ARE...Always remember that you are the King or Queen of your castle...

My song choice came from a little story I wanted to share with you guys...When I was about 24 and was off work from having my baby, I went to a training class at the YWCA...I wanted to get my typing speed up and to have a little time away from the kids, so my girlfriend suggested this computer class at the YW...While attending this class the women would sometimes tell of their lives and how they got to be in Nashville...I saw and heard alot of down trotten stories and the last day of class, we were having a party...So, I came up with a special treat for the women there, and it was to type the lyrics to Mariah Carey's "HERO"...I passed it out to all the attendees and the instructors and I sung along with her and they read the lyrics ...When I tell you it was not a dry eye in the house, All the instructors and the women were crying and telling how they saw a brighter future for themselves..One of the instructors called the Director an she came down and couldn't believe what was taking place..I don't think they really knew the impact that these negatives relationships had on these women...They all came up to me and we hugged for about an hour, the Y told me nothing had ever been done like that before and they would incorporate it into their program....See, I should have gotten a job for that, but didn't...
So, I want you to marinate on what Mariah is saying to you...No matter where you are in this life, YOU ARE A HERO...I KNOW ITS SOME THINGS YOU NEED TO WORK ON, BUT THAT'S OKAY....MAKE A PLAN AND DON'T STOP UNTIL YOU REACH YOUR GOAL...NO ONE CAN DO IT FOR YOU, YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF!!!! YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO....ITS NOT GOING TO BE EASY, BUT IT CAN BE DONE!!!!!!!

SO LETS DISCUSS OUR PLANS TO BE THE PERSON WE WERE MEANT TO BE........

YOU ARE THE "ONE"

I really like this beaten this boy puttin on my little girl, WHEEEWWWWW WEEEEEE!!!!!! I don't know how I will ever let him go if he keep taking care of me like this, I really need to get MYSELF TOGETHERRRR....HUMMMMM but, I will have to think about that later cuz right now I am enjoying this loving he laying on me...I swear he gone make me late for meeting my girls at the new hot club, LEVEL 88...Everybody and they mammy be up in that camp, and I have put them off one too many times and they aint having that mess today...They have already had one meeting on me about how much time I spend with Tyrese, I really can't help that I enjoy being with MY MAN...GET YOU ONE, I'M JUST SAYIN!!!! I straddle my baby and take care of him again, I got to play this off like everything is copastetic cuz he dont know I'm going out with my girls...But, WHATEVER, you going somewhere with your boys so I need to be with my friends as well...What's good for the goose and all that, PIMPIN...But, the irony is, I really enjoy being home with him and just hanging out, watching tv, reading together or just listening to music and spending quality time...I JUST LOVE HIM IS ALL, and so far he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him, so its all good...

Ty taps my leg and tells me to raise up that he needs to take a shower. I do too, so its all working out...He turns on the shower and we both get in and he starts being fresh again, I act like I am not being affected by what he is doing...I don't have that much time to get him out of here and put my hoochie mama dubs on...I found a great little black sexy dress that fits me in all the right places, and some knock you out accessories to match...I am going to be too fly tonight, they really gone be hating when they see how much weight I have lost since I met Ty, cuz all we do is have sex...Wonderful exercise program, and he has me enjoying tennis and jogging too. So, I really think I'm looking kinda cute, don't play...They gone wish they hadn't insisted that I accompany them to Level 88, cause all the ballers and professional athletes be in there...So, Tyrese can act a fool if he want to, I'll take my new attitude and new body and snatch me somebody better...

I get rid of him just in time to get my clothes on and did a nice ball with my braids with alittle hair hanging down in the front. I think I look TOO CUTE, I put my "Mac Chestnut Lip Liner and Lip Glass" on and pop my small sexy lips....YA'LL BETTA ASK SOMEBODY BOUT DIVA, especially when I get out my car and this fine ass brotha ask me can he get the door for me...See that's what I'm talking bout right thur...He then extends his arm and escorts me into the club, of course he is a Tennessee Titan so we just walk right on in....YEAH, we walk in and the DJ starts playing Guy's, "Teddy's Jam", whew that used to be my cut right there...We go out on the dance floor and cut a shine up in there...Everybody was looking at us, mostly at him but, hell I didn't care cuz they had to look at me in order to look at him...PEEP GAME, AND ALWAYS PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!

I don't see my girlz, but what I do see is Tyrese all SNUGGED up with some female...WHAT, I KNOW HE GOT ME MESSED UP!!!!!!!!!! That's cool, I'm cool, at least that's what I tell myself...About that time Jackie and Marcy walk up and say, gurl aint that yo so call man ova there with that hoochie...Now, you know I would have been alright if they hadn't gone there, right? I tell them its all good, and of course Jackie is mean mugging him and he feels her looking at him...He turns his head and acts like he is innocent, but about that time my dance partner gets back with my Marguerita...I thank him and tell him that I want to dance, he was like okay...Your boy Tyrese catches a glimpse of me holding hands with John and does a double take...I act all coy like I dont see him, I dont think he know who he messing with but he gone learn and fast...

After, I got off the dance floor Ty is standing there to take my hand from John, and helps me down...John looks at me and asked was everything okay, I assured him it was and thanked him for everything...Tyrese ask me can we leave because he wants to talk to me, WHAT, you werent trying to talk to me earlier...I could see the hurt in his eyes, and he said "well will you dance with me?" I didn't mind doing that, because I do Love him with all my heart...The DJ must be psychic or something, but he happened to put on "One"....We were on the dance floor and he was singing in my ear and told me he was sorry that he was with that female, it was his friend Shaun's cousin from California and he wanted to show her a good time...He let me know that he was wrong to be all up on her and would I forgive him for disrespecting our relationship...Tyrese is not normally the type to hide what he does, not that he gets caught in his mess...He just respects me enough to not let me find out anything...While he is singing in my ear he tells me that he was jealous of me giving his attention to someone else and he realized while I was on the dance floor that he didn't want to ever lose me....I'm quiet during this confessional as not to stop him from telling me his true feelings. I never gave him any reason to think that I would ever be with anyone else, cuz I basically gave up everybody and most hobbies that he wasnt into, when I met him...That was my mistake, I should have kept doing alittle of what I did before him so he would not think to take me always being there for granted. I think that was what was wrong with us, I gave me up to be with him...And, true love is one whole person connecting to another whole person and still becoming "ONE".

Then, Tyrese does something that I never would have thought; he gets down on one knee and asked me to be HIS WIFE FOR LIFE!!!!!!!!! I just looked at him because I didn't know if I wanted to believe him cuz of where we were, he normally doesnt be acting all simpish...But, I had to admit I really liked the fact that he didnt care if his boys or that girl saw him, PARAMOUNT FOR ME!!!!!!! OF COURSE, I WOULD BE HONORED TO BE YOUR WIFE TYRESE, FOR LIFE was my response to this wonderful man...

The painting is by WAK, entitled, "Power Of Love".

OUR WEDDING DAY

I never thought this day would come, when I would become Mrs. Johnathan Williams. I mean our relationship started off kinda rocky to say the least. I was sitting on lounge chair over Hakim and Jennifer's crib and you walked outside to the pool area from the sliding glass doors in their bonus room. I noticed you but, you didn't really didn't look like my type so I just continued talking with Charles. He was crackin me up with his silly banter and had my attention for most of the party. I got up to go into the house to freshen up and you wouldn't let me pass. I was pissed because I didn't even know you so why are you tripping. You finally asked me my name and I said Puttin Tang, now let me got to my destination please...I did notice however, that you had perfect white movie star teeth, big guns and chest and nice lips like L.L. Cool J....DANG, now what was I supposed to do? I let you know that I checked you out by scanning down your whole physique right there in the open...Aint no shame in my game pimpin, you gone have to keep up... You proceeded to look me up and down too, just to show me you weren't scared either...Now that got my attention, I likes that, alot..You asked me what was I going to do. I then let you know, without biting my tongue that, "If you see something you like, you better ask for it?" You were still trying to be fly and broke out with, "Well I'm asking, now what you gone do?" You already know my response right, "it's on then brotha". That was the first day of the rest of my life, fa sho...

You then asked me if you could follow me home, and of course my answer was no, but I can follow you to yours...See peep game, if a female lived there or spent alot of time there you would have acted all stopid. But, you didnt and I trailed you in my car. House was pretty nice and not too many things out of place, thats cool especially since you weren't expecting company. I stayed over about 4 hours and had a great time. You were a perfect gentleman and didnt get too fresh, that really impressed me you just didnt know. I knew that day that you were extremely special and would be in my life for a very long time. I knew you felt it too just by how you offered to follow me home. I declined and no sooner than I backed out of you driveway than, you called my cell....Me with a big ass grin on my face, "now that's what I'm talking bout right thur, YES SIR!!!!!!!

We seemed to have a great rapport with each other and spent most all our free time together. Every now and again I would hang out with the girls and you with the fellas, but we talked on the phone the whole time. Our friends would get so mad and break out with "you shouldn't have come if you were going to talk on the phone the whole time". We, just enjoyed each other's company so much that it was just always better to spend it together than apart, except for work. That's what the friends didn't understand, you were always busy at the studio and me at the law firm. Our time was very limited as it was so we took alot of juggling to make our relationship work. So, spending what little time we had together was very important to deepen our feelings for each other. Isn't just wonderful to have someone that you love to talk to, who has similar interest, and even if you don't really care for something you are able to tolerate it enough to still enjoy it together...

Sounds like a fairy tale I know, but real just the same. So, when you took me to the Cayman Islands and proposed to me at the restaurant on one knee in front of everyone I felt like Cinderella. You had paid one waiter to take pictures and one of the servers to tape a video of the occasion. I was in awe of you more that night than any other time, you really backed up everything you had ever told me. All my family and friends told me you were too good to be true but you brought the funk continuously, so even the naysayers had to give you your props.
At the wedding reception we danced to Tony Terry's "With You", about 5 times. You had told the DJ to continue to play it as to make our dance last longer...Of course your boys were like man "get a room", but we were in our own world and weren't listening to anything or anybody. You kissed me so many times my lips were sore, but I didn't care, YOUR WERE MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU TALKING ABOUT BEING THE HAPPIEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD...So, when you talked me into going in the bathroom and giving you alittle bit, I happily obliged. You assured me it was okay because this was our wedding day and we could do whatever we wanted to do, plus you had paid for the reception so FORGET THEM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE...Everyone was throwing rice at the Hummer Limo when we leaving Opryland Hotel, wishing us well...They were taking all kinds of videos and photos of what the deemed the "HAPPY COUPLE". We were so excited and happy to be married and on our way to the airport to catch our flight to Paris, France. I was ecstatic that you finally acquiesced and let me have my destination of choice to go to Paris and Italy for our honeymoon...Just reveling in the bliss that we felt, neither one of us saw the big rig coming towards the limo in the far right lane.

I woke up in the hospital 2 days later and knew instantly from the looks on everyone faces that I had lost you in the crash. My Mom told me that you and the driver were killed instantly, and that you didn't feel any pain. I was on the other side of the car and although I broke my right leg and had alot of bruises and a black eye, I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me. The moral of this story is, don't ever let opportunities pass you by because you never know what the outcome would be. And, to give a quote from Author, Kerry E. Wagner, "You either get busy living, or busy dying "